I’ll be writing about something slightly different now on this blog, and I confess straight up I’m writing this for me rather than you, so forgive my selfishness but I need it because I have a long journey ahead of me to go back to the start; and all I ever really knew was writing so I guess it is by writing that I will get there.
I now weight 233lbs – so I’ve stopped gaining weight, which is because I’ve come off the Gabapentin but I now have 89lbs to lose. But it’s more than that. Since I damaged my jaw joint and nerve and had to go on the heavy medication and off sick from work, I’ve lived in this netherland for the last 18 months. Unable to hold at first pretty much any conversation, and now 18 months later unable to hold more than one conversation before my face hurts for the rest of the day, I’ve withdrawn from socialising. Added to that not being able to recognise myself under all this weight, just not feeling like myself, has made me withdraw further. And now, from being someone who had a full and functioning life, I’ve become someone who hardly sees anyone, hardly goes anywhere and hardly does anything. I’ve learned to just survive with as little discomfort as possible, and I wouldn’t even say I’m particularly unhappy.
But this is not a life, and I realise to get my life back I need to let myself be unhappy and unsettled and admit that this is just not enough. I’ve led such an interesting, varied and sometimes difficult, sometimes magnificent life – but now, I’m just this fat, solitary middle aged woman who gets by. Many circumstances have contributed, but the truth is I am the only person who can dig myself out – and I know it starts with my body.
I need to be the lithe, slender, restless, ambitious person I always was. The person who was always trying, who never stayed on the mat but always got back up; that was always dreaming and striving.
The drugs I’m on for my condition keep me medicated, they rob me of most of my creativity and I want my creativity back because I still have to do the one thing I wanted since I was a child – to be a writer. I have written, I have had short fiction published, I even finished a novel – but these drugs numb me.
So I have to get my body sorted back out and off these drugs, and I think accomplishing this will be the biggest fight of my life.
But I’m game. And I’m not someone who does things in moderation – I function in extremes.
So from tomorrow, I’m going on the Blood Sugar/Xand van Tulleken diet and cutting back to 800 calories a day until I am the me I and everyone who knew me recognises again. And then I want to get off these f***ing drugs and write the novel I know is inside me.
Wish me luck.