Wagons, cliffs, crevices & whips

So I could list any number of reasons why, but the fact remains that yesterday I fell off the diet wagon, tumbled down a cliff and plunged into a deep crevice.  This morning finds me pulling myself back up and out, feeling snowflake-fragile and with a sickening food hangover.  I know that self-loathing is lurking in the shadows just out of sight, and that the instant I turn my back it will pounce and whip me bloody.

Today’s page in my inspirational flipboard (see my post You must be your own best diet buddy) is

‘Stop all and any behaviours that hurt you’

which today I will remind myself means not only refraining from eating and drinking things that will make me feel rubbish, but also refraining from whipping myself bloody with self-loathing.


Why I want to lose 43lbs

Because heavy, like this, I just don’t feel like me.  This is not who I was, this is not who I am.

I miss being able to move completely freely.  I miss the sensation of my arms being able to hang freely at my sides when I walk, rather than grazing the increasing girth of my hips.

I don’t want to have to have my knees replaced – and apparently, in an increasingly cash-poor NHS, you can no longer guarantee that you will be able to get them replaced.  You may just have to live with the pain and medication.

I miss the 90% of my wardrobe I can no longer wear.

I miss being able to nonchalantly and gracefully cross my legs.

I miss feeling at peace with myself.

I don’t want to develop Type 2 Diabetes because I know from watching my Mum die that it is a horrible, protracted and merciless death.

I want my kids to be really proud to say ‘This is my Mum”.

I want to live the however many years I still have left in good health and pain free.

I miss looking fabulous.


You must be compassionate to yourself about this

I insist.  I absolutely insist, and this is why –

A few years ago I was stood at a bus stop outside Debenhams, waiting for a bus that seemed reluctant to come.  Faintly irritated and very bored, just for something to do I turned the other way;  and found I was standing in front of a cupcake three times my size.  Moist and sweet, it was designed to entice me into their cafe.  I looked around and realised they were everywhere – the adverts designed to lure me into eating far more than I needed to.  It was 8 o’clock in the morning and already I was under bombardment, and it would carry on all day until the moment I closed my eyes to go to sleep that night.

We live in a world where an incomprehensible amout of money is spent on persuading us to over-indulge – but that when we do, and get fat, sneers at and humiliates us as spineless pigs.  No wonder we and our bodies are confused as hell and no longer have any idea what to do for the best.

Add to that we are no longer so young, have passed through menopause (see my post Menopause and how it relates to weight for more on that) and our bodies will react ever more hungrily to what we take in, we really are between a jagged rock and a very hard place.

So be compassionate to yourself about all this.  You can come through, you can win (because it is, in its way, a war:   but not You -v- Your Body, rather You & Your Body  -v- The Rest of the World) and you and your body can play nice again.  However, you’re going to have to start trusting in and loving yourself and your body again in order to do it.

And just to help you along, and get you past the idea that you are heavier now because you’re lazy and greedy where other people are strong and disciplined, I’m posting some photos to illustrate my point.

I hesitate ever to fat shame anybody, and if it were a member of the public who had never chosen to draw attention to themselves, I wouldn’t dream of it.  However, this is a supermodel who made a fortune in the 1980s and 90s flaunting herself in front of cameras;  and as a byproduct of collaborating in the illusion of Perfection, making us all feel like something that wouldn’t even have the right to stick to the bottom of her shoe.

So here is Linda Evangelista, firstly with Naomi Campbell back in the day;  and then more recently –

Naomi Campbell and Linda Evangelistalinda-evangelista-out-and-about-in-new-york-04-27-2016_1








linda-evangelista-nearly-unrecognizable-out-the-west-village-april-2016-10So you see, it can happen to the best of us.  Take heart.