I am a binge eater

I am a binge eater.  I am coming to accept it and so I need to find some way to factor it into my dietary lifestyle.

Those people who can have one biscuit? They are a different species to me! There is no such thing as one biscuit.

A fortnight ago, I went out and bought ‘My Christmas Food’.  I came back with 12 mince pies and 10 yule logs.  They were all gone by teatime, and I could have eaten them all again twice over.

I do not know where the food goes when I binge.  I don’t know why my stomach doesn’t stop me – but it doesn’t.  That thing some people have that says ‘stop eating now’?  I don’t have it.  Weirdly, though, I can go long stretches – say 8 or 10 hours – without eating and not feel particularly hungry.  Perhaps my system is really messed up.  Whatever, it makes little difference – I am this way and it is this way I have to deal with now.

So I control my eating by assessing what I actually need in a day.

If you read my post My weight and diet history you’ll know I am capable of huge feats of self-discipline.  I’ve proved it by losing huge amounts of weight and keeping it off for a decade.  But I am also capable of binge eating stones back on in very short periods of time.

And you know what I’ve realised?  For me the joy is IN THE BINGE.  I love bingeing.  I love over-indulging.

However, only with sugar and wheat.  Pizza, crisps, burgers, ice cream all leave me cold.  There is no part of me that wants to eat them, let alone binge them, so that isn’t a struggle for me.  I’m lucky that I naturally love healthy foods – vegetables, fruit, proteins, pulses.

I am clear that sometimes I eat emotionally.  I am an emotional eater.  And I’ve done all that stuff about acknowledging my emotions and not eating them down.  Know what?  Didn’t make a blind bit of difference.

I’m not clear whether I should be trying to deal with the binge eating as an eating disorder;  or just acknowledge it’s my weakness, and find ways to make it as undamaging as possible.

I am discovering it’s a good idea to keep in the healthiest foods I’m likely to binge on – say the ingredients for my Instant Cherry Pie – otherwise I’ll go to the shop and come back with as much sugar-laden crap as I can carry.

With the caveat – only to keep in limited amounts of them.  Yesterday I bought a 500g bag of almonds.  Big mistake.  Today it’s an empty bag, crumpled in the bin.

 

5 thoughts on “I am a binge eater

  1. Julie says:

    You say that you love it…what do you love? How do you feel while you are eating? What are you thinking about before, at the time, afterwards?

    I love your blog – it’s very honest and insightful…and beautifully written. I wonder if writing the blog might help you understand your eating habits.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Julie, and thanks, that’s a lovely thing to say. I follow your blog because it show genuine insight from which I think I can learn. As to what I love about bingeing – I was thinking about that this morning. I love the reckless abandon, the not doing the right thing, the unfettered feeding of whatever it is inside me that is so hungry. I feel a kind of wild excitement. Afterward? Afterwards is horrendous. But you’re right – writing this blog is now helping me to unravel why I eat the way that I do; and I’ve just started to realise it goes right back to my childhood. Smiling. Doesn’t just about everything?

      Like

      • Julie says:

        Hi, thanks for your comments on my blog – I appreciate it. Have you seen the TED Talk ‘A simple way to break a bad habit’ by Judson Brewer? By coincidence I watched it at the weekend and it’s come to mind when I was reading your reply. He talks about how we kid ourselves that we enjoy our unhelpful behaviours and habits and offers tips for becoming more aware of this.

        Would you consider documenting a binge as it happens and recording your feelings and thoughts and rate pleasure at the time? This could be the basis of a fascinating blog piece as well as helping you to understand the behaviour yourself? It’s an idea…

        I was bulimic as a young woman and I relate to some of what you describe from the bingeing and that feeling of wild abandon. It’s a con though as it’s unhelpful and destructive to what we really want and it’s ultimately controlling and keeping us trapped.

        And yes…Childhood has a lot to answer for!

        Like

      • Hi Julie, some vrry useful thoughts. Congratulations on overcoming your bulimia – and it reminds me disordered eating can be overcome. I’ll look out the Ted talk, thanks for the tip

        Liked by 1 person

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